Arpad Miklos was the kind of guy that made other big hairy porn stars like Colby Keller look like little boys. In a way, he had probably always defined manliness for me, since I’d been jerking off to pictures of him since I was in high school. He seemed so strong and so confident. He was a pillar of masculinity. I always loved him to death but I don’t know if that kind of love from strangers contributed to what’s happened. I certainly doubt I’ll watch his videos now, though I did say the same thing about Joey Stefano once after I’d heard that story and I’ve definitely jerked off to videos of him since then.
Anyway, I’d always sensed that Arpad was a pretty smart guy- he never went the porn as art route or anything (as if that makes you smart) but he was always really level headed in interviews and stuff and since he died I’ve learned that he’d been a chemist… Which I think I’d heard before but had sort of forgotten. Apparently, he got into porn to help pay for his education. I also always appreciated that “straight for pay” movie he did because I think it really fucked with people’s minds.
I don’t have any idea what Arpad Miklos was going through, but I think it has to be hard when people are judging you for being in porn on the one end, and on the other end you’re in an industry that seems a little shady. I don’t think there’s a lot of people that hate porn but there’s probably a lot of people who would disregard someone as stupid or silly for having done porn for a living. And the shadiness of the porn industry is probably brought on by the fact that people still have a gut reaction that porn=bad. And then, of course, he was probably insecure about his body since he did do such an amazing job of keeping it up and staying good looking. I don’t know, with the porn industry being fucked and the porn judgers on the other side maybe he felt like he had no direction to turn in.
Even though he seemed like a really tough guy, I think deep down people are all really sensitive to a lot of different stuff… Whenever I think about someone’s feelings getting hurt I almost always think of that Simpsons episode where Homer is in Japan and he walks right through the paper wall in the jail. Sometimes I feel like people are all just these paper walls and careless insults just rip right through them. I know that’s not really true, that a lot of people are tough and strong. I always think about how drag queens are always insulting each other and brushing it off… Sometimes I think they throw shade and read each other as training so they can handle whatever straight “normal” people throw at them. No matter how big our muscles, or how strong our jaws, or how hairy our chests are, deep down inside there’s always this little flower that just wants sunshine and water and a nice place to live. I feel like everything I’m saying is really obvious.
In 2010 I actually e-mailed Arpad Miklos. I had been sending e-mails to porn stars asking them what their favorite landscapes were. At the time I had become friends with Johnny Hazzard on Facebook and I noticed there were all these pictures of Johnny Hazzard camping in the mountains, red mountains in Utah and in the southwest mostly… He really liked mountains! And somehow I got a hold of Arpad’s e-mail, and he responded to my question. He even gave me the e-mails and leads on a few other porn stars. He seemed like a really nice guy. Anyway, here’s what he said about landscapes.
“I generally love the West… regardless if it’s the deserts of California or Arizona, the colorful and barren areas of Utah, the coast of Oregon or the mountains of Washington. Somehow the beauties of the West always fascinate me and somehow those are the areas I feel I’m in America.”
1. The other week I saw the fifty dollar Terry Richardson Lady Gaga photo book on sale for $9.95 at Barnes and Noble. You can be the alpha bitch one minute and the next you’re in the corner shivering and showing everyone your lipstick. But for some reason people still remember fearless divas like St. Francis of Assisi, Johnny Appleseed, and the Peace Pilgrim. I don’t love everything those three fame whores did but it is kind of weird that they were barely ever on television. If all you can say is “I’m a super star” and that phrase isn’t followed by the word “for” then there’s a pretty good chance that you’re pretty forgettable.
2. If you haven’t spayed and neutered your pets you’re probably not a good person. I’m judging you, I don’t respect you, and I think you’re fat and ugly.
3. The following individuals have great taste: Jane Goodall, Wangari Maathai, Carolee Schneeman, Cesar Chavez, Isabella Rossellini, Odin, Alex the Parrot, Equilibrio Azul, Walt Whitman, Roger Payne, Alan Rabinowitz, Carl Safina, Catwoman, Balder, Jose and Maria De Silva, Loukanis the riot dog, Gary Snyder, Dolly Parton, Joseph Beuys, George Fox, Freya, Koko the Gorilla, Western Watersheds, Birute Galdikas, Adelino Ramos, Bill Lishman, Steve Irwin, and Alan Mootnick.
4. Do you think you’re better off alone? Talk to me.
5. If you’re thinking about calling me a hippie or a primitivist or something just think about what I’m thinking about calling you. I can’t really stop myself from thinking about what your thinking about or thinking about what to call you but I’ll try not to say anything mean if you think about something mean to say about me. Just think about it.
6. So far, I think Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child is a great show. That family does what they want and stays true to themselves and they don’t worry about what other people think and I admire that about them. June is a good mother who never made any of her children do something that they didn’t want to do. Anyone who goes out of their way to make mean or disparaging remarks about that family is just trying to make themselves feel better about something. Maybe Elana will become the next Miley Cyrus but until that mess happens I think they’re on the right track.
7. Don’t do that to yourself, you are so loved.
PROFESSOR JUNGLE GUTZ Interviewing doing research for the Eternal Telethon’s Eternal Convalescent retirement home for retired artists! (shout outs to zmftw at 5:40 & Harsh Patel at 42:69)